Yesterday I quite possibly had my very first panic attack. It’s been building and I’ve been avoiding it – trying to spin my usual positivity and optimism. But there it landed. It was like an overwhelming pressure that had finally welled up and couldn’t be suppressed any longer. It was terrifying yet relieving at the same time.
What brought this on? As I was reviewing August, I realized all the things I hadn’t done and all the things yet to do. That usually doesn’t get me down but today was different. Between trying so hard to make coparenting work, readying my 5 year old for kindergarten, a hefty commute, trying to make money somewhere, somehow, not enough sleep, not enough help (because I have trouble asking for it), too much to do, to buy, to supply, and not enough “me” time, self care, and too much self doubt and a myriad of other things, I cracked. I have been running myself all over God’s green earth, trying to do all things and be there for everyone but not taking care of me.
I was so disappointed in myself. Over the last year, I took a very close look at my life. After suffering various forms of abuse, going through a tough separation, and letting people talk and judge me, never once defending myself, and instead quarantining myself because obviously no one cared cause no one called or supported me (which is not true; I do have a core group of family and friends who just unfortunately didn’t live nearby when I was going through my worst time), life shook me and I shook myself. Something had to change. I had to take better care of myself. I had to take control of my life so I could be the best mommy to my son and best loved one to my family and friends. I had been so painstakingly concentrated on bettering myself. And in August, I just didn’t take enough time for me.
But it’s ok. We all falter. It’s about how we recover. I’m excited to start concentrating more on diet, exercise, self care, and my business while my son is in school learning. And I’m excited to make time for him and my family and friends when I’m not concentrating on those things. I’m excited to start going to therapy again because there is no shame in getting help when you need it. It’s like exercise for your mental health. I’m excited to grow in my faith and grow closer to God because we’ve been through the ringer, Big Guy! I’m excited for all the exciting things that are yet to come or are developing right now.
It’s easy to get caught up in what’s not going right, what you can’t see, and what you can’t control. I just did. But again, it’s how you recover. Believe it’ll be better. Believe you can do it. Believe things can change. There’s power in that.